My Random Thoughts

You need to know, so you aren’t where he is….yeah, he’s on Singer Island, you know, like 15 miles due east of here.

 Nice.

I need to update my blog theme. I now have a creative crisis. What to do….I guess I’ll have to surf and see what I can find. Just another thing to add to my schedule

I’m sitting at the O’Hare Airport, with three more hours to go before my flight boards. I hope it’s on-time. I want to get home!

It was an interesting week. I transitioned my old project and I’m working on my new one. I feel like I just got the boot. I wish I could have finished the project, rather than having to transition it. I feel icky about not finishing it and I feel goofy for having such emotion tied to it.  I want to have a heart-to-heart with my old manager, telling him that, but I think it’s time for me to move along. I guess I just want absolution that I don’t suck as an employee. I need to get over that. Some days I want a J-O-B rather than the career I’ve built, but at the end of the day, I’m pretty happy with the career I’ve built.

I do need to work on the work-a-holic part. I’m still logging 60-70 hours a week. That is just plain stupid. I need to get a life, get a hobby, workout, read, write, play solitare, take classes, something other than work! I finally understand a couple of friends that I have who have no hobbies other than work. I’m turning into one of them!

So, back to the so much to do. I have 4 more performance reviews to write, agendas to create for the week, a project charter to revise and 3 project plans to work on. I want to do none of them right now. I want to play, but being that I have 3 hours - why not kick some work out??!!?! I guess that’s the work first, play later part of me.

I had breakfast this morning with Tracy - I haven’t seen her in quite a while. It was nice to catch up with her. I miss people. I’m actually turning into a social person. I don’t understand what’s up with that. After 38 years I’m coming out of my shell? What’s up with that and why couldn’t I have done that 20 years ago? I guess I’m a late bloomer? Life constantly amazes me, as much as we’re pushing things down to the next generation, there are those of us who are still behind the curve. Guess that’s what makes us unique.

So, on that note, onto the next thing on my list of things I don’t really want to work on.

Not that I’m feeling blah, just sleepy. I think I need a nap before my big night out. I decided to stay in Chi until tomorrow night to do a little socializing. Going out to dinner tonight, then going drinking in Evanston! YAY ME! Think there will be a little billiard action going on after dinner and don’t quite know where we’re going to end up, but it should be a fun night.

Tomorrow will be breakfast with Tracy and then I’m going to head to the airport. I doubt that I can get an earlier flight, but I’ll certainly try. If I can’t, I’ll enjoy the hospitality of the O’Hare Airport.

It’s been a good, but fast week. I wish time would slow down just a smidge. Geez!

My new client has me traveling on-site more and requires me to wear business casual - leaning towards business. Perfect excuse to buy new clothes!! It was hard to justify before, since I sit in my house wearing gym shorts, no shoes and ratty t-shirts - and that’s actually a step up from what others wear. I love working from home. It’s actually fun to talk about still being in your jammies at 2pm. May not be the most professional thing, but I will put money that even the top execs are doing the same thing!

On that note, back to the project plan

Yes, I am working, on Sunday - shame on me.

I’m not very inventive with my titles. Ah well. What a great week of meetings. I’m so impressed with my new client. It really makes everything else seem easier.

I have a ton of work to do today. I have performance evals to write. I think I may start with a glass of wine before getting into those. Some will be easy, but others will be challenging. I want to give fair and balanced feedback, but that will be hard for a few of them. I’m sure the words will come ( I hope )

I got a thank you note from Barb. I was touched. In the note she said a what a good friend I was for coming even though I knew the news was bad. How could I *not* go? I wanted to be sensitive to her needs in case she didn’t want company, but other than that, how could I not? She’s my friend and I wanted to be there. That just shows what a good & caring person she is.

I’m looking for things to do down here and in Pittsburgh. Gotta fill up my social calendar!!

Why am I not getting the answers I want from the universe?  Why am I tired, why don’t I have any local friends to hang out with and do things, why don’t I know how to hang out? Why can’t Jeff and I find any ‘couple’ friends to hang out with and when we do find them, why do they have to have kids that they just can’t stop talking about.

Why won’t the real estate market change? Why do I think that even if it does change and I sell my house I’d be happier someplace else? I wasn’t happy someplace else before and I’m not happy here now. Why am I not happy? What will it take to make me happy? Why am I lonely working from home when I really don’t enjoy being around a bunch of people. Why do I have so much work? Why do I continue to do so much work, especially when it all goes to hell anyway. When is someone going to just come out and call me a fraud so that I know I’ve been found out and i can stop pretending that I’m actually a good employee.  Why do I think i’m a fraud when I’ve done good work and people have told me so, why don’t I believe them?

Why do I continue to whine that I can’t lose weight when I don’t watch what I eat closely enough and ignore the fitness equipment in my spare room? Why do I think working is more important than my personal persuits. Why can’t I find a good idea to write about and when I do, why am I afraid to actually write about it and submit it to someone to read. Why do I think that no one will care what I have to say? What makes me think I’m less interesting than everyone else out there blathering on about nothing? What makes me less than everyone in the world, or at least think I’m less than everything else in the world. After 39 years, you would think I’d finally get it together, but I don’t feel any closer to having it together or knowing where its at. I just feel like I’m now in the middle of not being any closer to knowing what’s going on.

Why do I feel so confused? Why aren’t the anti-depressants working? Why don’t I have anyone else to hang out with except Jeff, why doesn’t he have anyone else to hang out with except me? Why do we bury our faces in our laptops every night?

WHY?